A new school year often brings excitement, but for some children, the first days of school also bring an unexpected sense of loss. A best friend from last year may have moved away or simply be in a different class. A favorite teacher may no longer be at the school. A sibling may have headed off to college, transitioned to another foster placement, or returned home, leaving the child behind to adjust to life without them nearby. Hardest of all, a child may be separated from a parent or grieving the death of a grandparent or another special person. Even when a change seems small to an adult, a child may feel as though an important part of their world is missing.
The circumstances may be different, but each can leave a child trying to understand how to move forward when someone important is no longer nearby.
Do Not Dismiss the Loss
Adults may be tempted to quickly reassure children by saying, “You will make new friends,” or, “You can still see each other.” Those things may be true, but they do not erase what the child is feeling in the moment.
Begin by acknowledging the loss:
- “You were really hoping to be in the same class.”
- “It makes sense that you miss your friend/loved one.”
- “School probably feels different without them there.”
- “You can be excited about this year and still feel sad.”
When adults recognize the importance of a relationship, children are less likely to feel that they must hide or minimize their emotions.
Remember That Loss May Look Like Behavior
Children do not always have the words to explain grief, disappointment, or loneliness. Their feelings may appear as irritability, withdrawal, clinginess, trouble sleeping, difficulty concentrating, or resistance to going to school.
A child who seems unusually upset about a classroom assignment or a change in routine may be reacting to more than the immediate situation. A new separation can also bring earlier losses back to the surface, particularly for children who have experienced multiple moves, disrupted relationships, or uncertainty about who will remain in their lives.
Instead of asking only, “Why are you acting this way?” consider asking, “Has anything been feeling different or harder lately?”
Help Them Maintain Important Connections
When it is healthy and possible, help children find realistic ways to remain connected.
Friends who are placed in different classrooms might meet at recess, sit together at lunch, join the same activity, or plan time together after school. A caregiver might reach out to another parent about meeting at a park, having the child over for a short visit, or attending a school event together.
Children can stay connected with someone who lives farther away through letters, cards, scheduled phone calls, video chats, shared photos, or an occasional visit.
It is important, however, not to make promises that may be difficult to keep. Predictable contact is often more reassuring than vague assurances that they will “see each other soon.”
Make Space for New Relationships
Staying connected to someone from the past does not prevent a child from forming new relationships. Children may need reassurance that caring about a new friend does not mean they are replacing or forgetting someone else.
Offer practical ideas for making connections:
- Sit near someone who seems welcoming.
- Ask another child what they like to do at recess.
- Look out for someone who needs a friend and be friendly to them.
- Invite someone to play or work together.
- Compliment a classmate’s backpack, drawing, or project.
- Ask whether someone would like to sit together at lunch.
For children who are shy or anxious, practicing a few conversation starters at home can make approaching someone feel less intimidating.
Adults can also help by asking teachers or school counselors whether there are clubs, lunch groups, peer programs, or other opportunities where a child might meet students with similar interests.
Create a Way to Remember
When someone is no longer available, a child may benefit from having a tangible way to hold on to the relationship.
They might:
- Make a small photo book.
- Write down favorite memories.
- Keep a card, drawing, or special object.
- Create a shared playlist.
- Draw a picture of a favorite experience.
- Prepare a goodbye gift or letter.
When a loved one has died or is no longer in the child's life, these activities can help a child remember the person and express feelings that may be difficult to say aloud. Children should be given honest, age-appropriate information and the freedom to grieve in their own way.
Reassure Them About What Is Still Steady
When a relationship changes, children may begin to wonder what else could change.
Remind them of the people, routines, and places that remain dependable. Talk about who will pick them up from school, what the evening routine will look like, and which trusted adults they can turn to when they feel lonely or overwhelmed.
Small routines, such as a bedtime check-in, a weekly family activity, or seasonal traditions can provide a strong sense of security during times of change.
Keep Checking In
Feelings of loss do not always appear immediately. A child may seem fine during the first week of school and become sad later when a special event, birthday, holiday, or familiar routine reminds them of the person who is missing.
Continue checking in without pressuring the child to talk. Questions such as “Who did you spend time with today?” or “Was there a moment when you missed your friend?” may open the door more gently than asking whether they are still sad.
If grief, anxiety, withdrawal, or behavioral changes begin to interfere with daily life, reach out to the child’s teacher, school counselor, therapist, caseworker, or another member of their support team.
Moving Forward Does Not Mean Forgetting
Children will experience many changes as they grow. Friends may move, siblings may leave home, placements may change, and beloved people may no longer be present.
Adults cannot prevent every separation, but they can help children understand that moving forward does not require leaving important relationships or memories behind.
With patience, honesty, connection, and steady support, children can make room for new experiences while continuing to carry the people who have mattered to them.
