I have told you every year: Christmas is my favorite time of the year, and all other holidays fall far behind in my book. The season starts November 1 for our family, with lights going up, and three trees in place (the Santa tree, the Red tree and the just lights tree). To go with the trees, we have hundreds of beautiful Santas across the house with animated trains, Ferris wheels, carousels and glitter globes galore. Each and every piece was bought with purpose and love, and each has a story my wife and I can tell.
This last Sunday, the kids came home, and we decorated the Santa tree together, just like they have done, literally, every Christmas of their lives. I cannot even list all the traditions for you but many of them center around the advent calendar with days for movies, baking, gingerbread houses, looking at lights in Grand Prairie, Highland Park, Interlochen, and Casa Verde as well as small gifts of pjs, socks and candy. The actual day has traditional breakfast snacks and drinks before we start in on presents. Presents are a process too, with every gift numbered and we all take turns watching each person open gifts one-at-a-time and in order. It can take a while.
To be honest, sometimes the schedule gets a little stressful, so we have cut it back a bit in the last few years and with kids now grown somethings have gone by the wayside. We have learned to be flexible now that life has gotten more complicated.
The beautiful children we serve at CK Family Services have lived complicated lives. Very often they don’t share our exuberance for the holidays because they are a reminder that Santa doesn’t hit ever chimney and life is not fair. While we are excited about events, traditions, decorations and gifts, we must be mindful of our foster kids because the holidays can be overwhelming to them. So, here a few suggestions to not just celebrate our joy but to also give them comfort.
Have predictable daily events. Maybe put a calendar on the fridge so everybody knows what’s up. “Movie night,” “Bake cookies,” “Quiet day.”
Create a safety ritual. Have a warm drink every night at the same time – maybe with no words. Create ten minutes of soft music with a weighted blanket (those things are the best!) Ask at bedtime, “How was today?”
Prepare for events and have an exit. Let the kid know where you are going and what is going to happen. A Christmas show at a mega-church can be intimidating for a traumatized kid. Have a decompression moment after events. Give them an out at any time.
Let them design events. They may or may not have had traditions and they may see certain events as magical. Give them the gift of allowing you into THEIR traditions or preferences. “What are two things you would like us to do this season?”
Give them a comfort box at the start of the season. Fidgets, photos, blankets, socks, etc.
Keep the gift process psychologically safe. Remember the trauma feelings: often disappointed, overstimulated, unworthy of gifts, don’t know how to receive blessings. Keep the room calm. Open one at a time. Breath in-between. Normalize every reaction.
Connections before directions, confections, selections, and corrections. Place a gentle arm around their shoulders. Thirty seconds of eye-contact. “I’ve got you.”
Reassurance: “If you, or others, get upset, the holiday is not ruined.” Behavioral mistakes don’t ruin things. After all folks, how many of us have that nutty family member that causes a scene every single year and we keep having them back? They give us something to talk about the other 11 months!
It makes the holiday better when we are all aware of others. When we are mindful that this is Mom's first Christmas without Dad. When we know the neighbors lost their jobs and need help. When we see the lonely old man sitting by himself in the restaurant. When we deliver gifts for children that won’t get one without us. And, when I remember: Christmas for me is likely not Christmas for someone else. May you have and share love, comfort and joy this season.
Blessings
